DEAR YOU,
While
writing this, I am much aware that this would be a fragment as a whole.
Incomplete and imperfect, just like what I am exactly right now. But I am positively
hoping that in the end, I would somehow make sense.
I’m
writing because I have so much to say, but my mind is so pre-occupied with
thoughts of you that I can’t even think of the right words to utter. I’m
writing with hopes that through letting it all out, I’d be able to move on and make
myself believe that “this” would be for the best. I’m writing because this is
the only way I could understand my f*cking self for having the guts to do
things that will make you feel like walking away from me is the best thing you
can do. I’m writing because I want to understand why you chose to leave me and
tell me that you need some time alone. I’m writing because I have to entrench in
my mind and heart that this day is the start of a life without you, because I
don’t know if you’ll be coming back to pick me up where you left me. I’m
writing with these tears wanting to flow down from my eyes, but my overactive
tear ducts seem to have pity on me, preventing my tears from doing so. I’m
writing because of the hell I’m going through for I have always loved you so
much. And it kills me to know that I already lost the chance to make you feel how
much you mean to me.
You
walked away from me today, and it’s not like how you did in the past. This
time, it’s different. I don’t know what you mean exactly when you said “Leave
me be.” “I need an amount of time alone. Duration, I don’t know.” Was that your
kind way of asking me to set you free? Was that your kind way of telling me
that everything you will do for the next days, weeks, or months will all be none
of my business? Damn, no matter how you delivered it and after all the efforts of
saying those things in a nice way possible, it still hurts. It hurts like hell.
It took me a lot of time to realize that there will never be an easy way to leave
someone behind. But you know the worst thought I am having right now? “Did you
mean that I need to forget everything about us from this day forward? Did you
mean that we’re over?”
You
walked away from me today, leaving me with so much to remember. How am I
supposed to forget you? To not associate everything I see with you? To get you
off of my system? To move on, keep going and live my life without you here, unlike
how I used to for the past eleven months? To stop my world from revolving around
you in an instant? The end of our 11th month marked the end of our
11 months of being together. That made me feel like I’d rather die than not to
be loved by you.
I
am a novice when it comes to relationships. After all I’ve been through, I can
say that I still am. And the greatest lesson I have yet to learn is how to love
myself first. Second is how to overpower and control my emotions and how to use
my brain in crucial moments instead. Third is how to become considerate,
sensitive and respectful, and to know what my role is as a girlfriend. I have
to admit that I find it hard because I’m a person who is stubborn and who
resists change. But if it’s for my own betterment, why not? Why would I prevent
myself from learning such things? Why do I still find it hard? I don’t really
know. How and when will I get better? The answers to these questions, I’m dying
to find out and realize soon.
It’s
frustrating to be on the same page over and over again. No wonder you got tired
of me. I want you to know that I’m f*cking tired of myself, too.
When
you said you need a lot of time alone and away from me and when you said that you
don’t know how long it will take for us to continue what we paused or to start
all over again, I instantly felt like you took everything away from me, as in every
hope that I have that we can make it through together. I felt like my world is
shattered into pieces. And until now, I’m still figuring out how I will face
the fact that I’m the one who’s left behind.
I’m
sorry. I am sincerely sorry.
Thank
you. Thank you for everything.
I
love you. I always will.
But
now, I have to go away. I have to go away from you – as in really far. I have to
make sure that you won’t hear anything from me while I am in this state. I have
to, partly because I want you to miss me, and for the most part, because I don’t
want you to come back just because you see me like this, hurting so much and
not being able to live my life well without you. I don’t want you to change
your mind just because of your mercy towards me. I don’t want you to come back
just because I need you, but because you realized that you need me in your life
just as I need you in mine. I want you to recognize that despite everything, I
am that girl you don’t wanna lose and who’s worth your love.
Until
now, I don’t know how to get over you. The fact that it’s nearing finals makes
me so depressed and intimidated. I have to divert my thoughts away from you. I have
to forget you. I have to get rid of the pain and the mini heart-attacks I’ve been
feeling every time I see you when I close my eyes and in my dreams. I have to get
you off of my head and realize that it’s time for me to live my life alone and
without you. Necessity rather than willingness because “have” is poles apart
from “want”.
I
would go away not because I do not care giving you any reason to stay with me. I
just want you to realize that I have already given you and you are already holding
the only worthy reason for you to stay – my heart, my love. If it’s enough,
then please come back soon before it’s too late. If not anymore, then please just
give it back to me.
How long will
this unwanted silence and distance be between us? How long will you keep
yourself far away from me? How long should I wait for you? Are you coming back?
Or is it over between the two of us?
I’ll
pray to God and I’ll ask Him to give me the strength and wisdom that I need to
make it through this. I’ll pray to God and I’ll ask Him to guide you and to take
good care of you for I can’t do that for you anymore. I leave everything to God
now with confidence that His plans are always better than ours.
While
writing this, I am much aware that this would be a fragment as a whole.
Incomplete and imperfect, just like what I am exactly right now. Incomplete because
someone took my heart away from me; I don’t even know if he has plans of giving
it back. Imperfect, in his eyes, because no matter how hard I try, I can never
be what he needs.
I
am positively hoping that as I end this, I somehow made sense.
Oh, You Inspire Me ♥
